Upstream (En amont)
by Saturne
Summary: "I thought I've made myself very clear, Benny. Cas and I we're a 2-in-1 package, on special offer, take it or leave it. If the angel doesn't pass, the human won't either, that's the way it is. I'd rather stay here forever than leave without him. Capiche ?" [Purgatory - Destiel explicit]


**Disclaimer:** Nothing's mine but my writing and imagination. And my translation, since I translated it myself.

 **Author's note:** This is my first attempt at translating one of my own fanfictions (yup, I'm french). And damn, it's hard. I have no beta reader, so please be indulgent, I tried my best. And tell me if I made mistakes, so I can fix it!

If you can read french, please go read the original version, I swear it's 10 times better in french.

 **Warning :** Spoilers of the beginning of season 8, bad language, first person, destiel and really reaaaally filthy smut. Quite literally.

Enjoy!

 **oOo**

 **En amont**

 _Up the stream_

 **.**

 **.**

"Three days' journey. Follow the stream. There's a clearing. You'll find your angel there."

"You know what, mutt? I believe you."

A sharp move, and my blade sinks deeply in the werewolf's skull. He gives out a choked gurgle and warm blood drips on my fingers. A sour smell rises in the air. Like rotten meat left in the sun.

Take this, filthy bitch.

I wait till his impaled tongue cease to move in his gapping mouth and I remove my blade. I wipe it off on the monster's jacket. If there's one thing I learned from Alastair, it's that you always get an answer if you persevere a bit. It took me some time, but I just got the confirmation.

I'm finally reaching my goal, after months of searching for Cas day and night. A serious lead to follow at last. It was worth scouring all the fucking purgatory, first on my own, then with a vamp' to keep me company. Cas has to be in some pretty deep shit to disappear without a word like he did and not answer any of my prayers. I'm not gonna let him down this time. I'll never let him down ever again.

I motion to Benny to follow me and I walk with long strides toward the direction the mutt said.

"You should've chopped his head off, Dean. What you've done ain't very clean."

I don't answer anything, and I peer into the darkness to find the stream.

I know better than anyone that to gank a werewolf, you have to dismember it or shove a silver blade in its heart **.** But that's the rule on Earth and here and now I don't have silver and no time to chop it in slices. I've been beheading monsters non-stop for months without stopping to identify their species, and I came to the conclusion that rules are slightly different in here. I never linger long enough to check if the beheading was effective on monsters other than vampires, ghouls, arachnes and other joys. Behead first, think later. This is the only rule to follow in here. And even if the mutt makes it, he's chained to that tree with a slayed brain. If other monsters don't eat him, I'm pretty sure he won't be willing to bother us anymore.

"I'm sure he told you a whole bunch of crap so you'd leave him alone. He didn't know shit, drawls Benny with an exasperated voice."

I raise a finger to shut him up, and I strain my ears. I could swear I heard...

"This way."

The vampire sighs and follows me grudgingly. I narrow my eyes, and the more we walk through the dark and threatening shadows of trees, the more distinct's the crystal-clear murmur of a stream.

If I heard it, it means Benny did too a while ago and never said a thing. It's obvious he's not keen on finding Cas, I knew that right from the start.

"We're heading the wrong direction, Dean. We're straying farther and farther away from the portal with your bullshit. We could be already out now."

"I've told you a hundred times, Benny. I'm not going anywhere without my angel."

Benny joined me about a month ago. He's pretty useful to watch my back and seek out well informed monsters, but not a day goes by without him trying to make me give up on Cas. He's probably in a hurry to bleed innocents dry on the outworld. I can't stand those fucking bloodsuckers, and it's only because I have no other choice that I haven't chopped his head off already.

"If he really is an angel, he should be able to get by on his own, don't you think? How can you be so sure he hasn't already left the Purgatory to let you rot in here?"

I grit my teeth and glare at him when he catches up and walks beside me.

"He's not exactly able to defend himself right now," I answer in a rough voice. "Lots of shits happened lately and he kinda... lost it. But even without all his mind, Cas'd never abandon me. Not after everything he fucked up for me..."

In retrospect I finally realize everything Cas has done for humanity. For us. For me. He rebelled against his own brothers, fought destiny, lead a civil war, made a deal with a demon, opened the purgatory and slaughtered his own family. All of it just so Sammy and I can live peacefully and not be used as angels condoms for those Archangels sons of a bitch. He saved Humanity, he saved my little brother from insanity, and I gave him nothing in return. Nothing.

So I'm not gonna give up on him if he's somewhere in Purgatory, perhaps in danger, battling against a legendary monster or whatever. He's in here because of me. He didn't want to fight anymore, but he did it anyway, for me. So the least I can do is to get him out of here.

"M'not so sure about that. I've had best buddies let me down for less than that. You don't have to listen to me, but don't act all surprised when I'll say I told you so."

I'm about to snarl back, but he interrupts me by pointing out a bush.

"There, here's your stream. We find your boyfriend quickly and we get the fuck out of here. You reek of fresh human blood for miles around. Wouldn't make any difference if you put signs all over the area saying « free buffet »."

I stride over the bush and see a stream, almost a river, slithering among the rocks. The water is pure and translucent. Probably the only pure thing in all Purgatory.

"Yeah, and I guess if I wasn't your get out of the jail card, you would've been first in line to grab a pint, right?"

Benny who was staring at the stream looks up and grins with his sharp pointy teeth coming out. Looks like he's having fun. Freaking vampire.

"Come on, no time to waste," I say.

I start walking upstream right away, my eyes riveted on the peaceful flow that reflects the black and empty sky.

"Believe it or not, but when they cut off my head, I hadn't bled anyone for quite a while, and I've no intention to start again once I'm out."

I can't help but snort with contempt. Yeah right. You don't fool me.

I've been a vampire too, of all people I ought to know you can't repress those kind or urges for more than a couple of days. Even Lenore, despite all her good will, gave up in the end too. No one can fight back his nature, it always wins in the end.

"Yeah, right. So you're on a vegan diet? And now you're gonna tell me you sparkle in the sun like a disco ball?"

"What?"

I chuckle and shake my head, a bitter taste in my mouth. Once again, a reference wasted. My heart aches when I think about Cas and his confused or frustrated face whenever I'm making jokes he can't understand.

"Whatever. Consider yourself lucky you don't get it."

Benny shrugs and continues:

"Never said I didn't drink blood anymore. Only, not at source. Transfused blood ain't that bad as long as you ain't too fussy about the taste."

He stops talking and walking, his body tensed. Slowly, he turns toward the dark forest. Gripping his weapon tight, he points the trees with his chin. I think I see one or two dark shadows with glowing eyes sneaking up behind the trees in the darkness.

"Told you so. They're here for the free drinks. The more we linger in the Purgatory, the more they think you look tasty."

"I'll take that as a compliment. How many are they?"

"Five or six at least. I can hear them approaching."

For sure, a vampire as an acolyte, is so damn convenient. With his hearing and his sense of smell, Benny's able to predict most incoming monsters, even in the middle of the darkest night. Only the stealthier and faster ones escape his notice.

I stand my back on the stream, my weapon in my hand. Adrenalin rushes in my veins, and as the first monster hurls itself at me, a purifying and exhilarating feeling surges through me when I slice off its head in one go. I pay no attention to the blood splashing on me as I welcome the second one with a beheading in due form.

Three others throw themselves at me at the same time, without any strategy whatsoever. Blood lust makes them stupid. It's only now I identify their species. Motherfucking Arachnes. I hate those glassy-eyed douchebags. I dodge to the side, and one of them in its haste falls down in the stream. Benny beheads the second one without blinking, and I push back the third with a kick right in its chest. It falls to the ground and I chop its head off while Benny finishes off the one still wading in the water.

"Your humanity's a pain in the ass, Dean. In fifty years time, I haven't met that many monsters than in a month with you."

He's rinsing his blade in the stream, and the current washes away the blood. I do the same with my face in order to rinse off the blood splattered on my cheek and my ear.

"You'll be quite happy with my humanity once the three of us get out of this shit hole."

"The _three_ of us? How much time we still gonna waste wandering until you accept that your angel took off?"

"This is my only condition. You get the human along with the angel or nothing at all."

Benny raises his wet hands like to admit defeat and walks off the water. We start walking the path again. I shiver in anticipation as I watch the stream that meanders far away, part of it hidden by darkness and tall trees. I'm going to find Cas at last.

"This is a waste of time: even if he didn't take off, we don't even know if he can pass the portal."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Your portal won't disappear, we've got all the time we want. And I'll gank every last son of a bitch of the Purgatory if I have to, but I'm not leaving here without Cas."

"I get that. But the thing is, I'm in a hurry."

I glance at him. Instead of his usual smirk, this is a neutral face I see. His eyes shine with sadness.

"If it's not to fill you up with blood, then why? What's the point in living as a pacifist vampire?"

"What about you? Why you care so much about that angel?"

I look away and walk faster, jaw clenched and staring stubbornly at the flowing stream.

"Sensitive subject, I guess? he speaks again ironically. Well then consider it's the same for me. But I can assure you I've got a very good reason to resurrect."

"I hope so. It'd be a pain in the ass to hunt you on the outside 'cause you behaved like an asshat."

Benny roars with laughter and I can't help smiling a bit. While I'm walking at a quick pace, I whisper a short prayer to Cas, as quietly as I can. I know Benny can hear me, but I don't care. He's used to it by now.

 _"Cas, be alive, dude... Don't be dead, that's all I'm asking..."_

We keep walking the path in silence, on our guard, and the bleak morning is rising. And yet there's no sun, no moon either, and not even stars, but the cycle of days and nights is pretty much the same than on Earth. Except for the trees, the grim vegetation and the wild grass, no sign of life anywhere. It's like everything is faded and dead, but despite the tiredness, the stink, the fear that crawls under my skin, the constant risk of being attacked and the fact that I'm worried sick for Cas, I feel strangely good. Serene. Since I've been here, I haven't felt the need to eat, drink or sleep. The rules are simple, here, and I've got a clear and precise goal. I don't have to protect anyone but myself. I don't have to worry about Sam, I know he's safe on Earth, even if I'm sure he's desperately searching for a way to free me. Everything's refreshingly simple, no fuss, no lying bullshit or betrayal, no stuff hidden from me, nor incoming end of the world. I can give my hunter's instinct free rein, and focus on that one and only thing. Finding Cas.

My feet are damp in my shoes and I feel blisters swelling because of friction. Warm sweat keeps dripping all along my spine, drenching my shirt even more. Even so, I keep my leather jacket on. It belonged to dad, and I won't leave it in this monsters shit hole. And sometimes when, in the middle of the night, temperature drops suddenly, I'm quite happy to have it.

I may be used to my body odor by now, but I know I reek. And not just a bit. The acrid stench of old sweat's mixed with the smell of my worn shoes, and my clothes are stained with a subtle mix of decayed blood from different species of monsters. But I still try to keep some basic hygiene by shaving with my blade whenever I get the occasion, or just by rinsing my face. No way I could do better, not with all the assholes eager to jump me at any time – I can't take the risk to take off my clothes or drop my weapon. Anyway it's Purgatory, not a freaking beauty contest.

Good thing I don't have to poop or pee anymore either. A man taking a shit's the most vulnerable prey ever.

"You should rest. You're gonna kick the bucket if you go on like this."

"I'm fine. We're not gonna stop when we're almost there."

Even if I don't need sleep anymore, my body still wears out. Generally, resting an hour's enough, but monsters rarely leave us in peace long enough for that.

The air is heavy. Suffocating. I wipe my brow with my sleeve but the sweat keeps dripping, sliding on my cheek and my neck. I think every fiber of my shirt is soaked except for the front. Under my jacket, it sticks to my soggy and filthy skin. But I'm used to it. My problem right now, it's my feet. They hurt like a son of a bitch and my legs are stiffer with every hour. Even my hand gripping my weapon is becoming painful.

It's only after a surprise vampires attack when I almost missed my target that Benny makes me sit on one of the headless corpses near the stream.

"Just twenty minutes and then we're leaving. And you don't get to argue."

I'm about to do just that, but I shut up when I see his imperious glare. He's right. I have to save my strength if I want to be able to help Cas, especially if he's in big trouble. I roll my eyes anyway and take off my shoes, while Benny sits down on the same corpse than me, but on the other side to cover my back. Blood's still pouring from the severed neck, and the ground drinks it greedily.

"It reeks in here. About time you took a feet bath, buddy," Benny says, wrinkling his nose with disgust.

I can only agree with him as I cautiously take off my worn out socks that almost completely merged with the bruised flesh of my feet's soles. The stench invade my nostrils so I hurry up and plunge my feet into the clear and cool water. I sigh happily and wiggle my toes. The stream takes away the dirt and the weariness. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Benny sharpening his blade with a stone he picked up on the ground, and he doesn't stop staring at the forest for one second. I take advantage of this peaceful moment to rinse off my face and shave with my blade.

"How did you end up in here with an angel, anyway?"

I rinse my blade in the stream and stroke my jaw thoughtfully. In a month or so, Benny never asked one question, even when he heard me praying to Cas every night.

"Long story, and you wouldn't believe a word. It's a fucking mess."

"Oh believe me, after being turned in a vampire and then end up here, nothing surprises me anymore. I've learned that all legends, all myths are real and end up here after their death. The world's trash can. So, there's nothing you could tell me that'd look strange to me. But I admit I'm quite curious to see what your feathered friend looks like."

I briefly wash my socks and wring them out the best I can while laughing. With each twisting, a grayish liquid – sock's juice – drips from the grated cloth.

"You might be disappointed. He looks like an accountant, but lately... more like a hippie, I guess. But that's just his human meatsuit. I don't know what he looks like for real. His true appearance burns eyes out and his real voice shatters windows."

"That's not convenient."

"No shit."

Benny drops his stone and blows on his blade. If someone told me that one day I'd be sitting on a dead vampire and making friends with yet another vampire – officially dead too, after all – and searching for a crazy angel...

Benny's presence is quiet, comforting. Quite an odd impression, coming from a bloodthirsty creature I'm used to hunt and that could throw itself at me any time to drink me dry. I feel at ease, like if I was with Sam. Except Benny doesn't need my protection. He's not in my charge, and he's not under my responsibility. And that feels good.

I've never had any friend. It's always been Sam. Protect Sam and obey dad. There never was any space for anything else.

As for Cas... Cas, it's different. Not a relationship as equals, like the one I have with Benny. With Cas, nothing's ever been normal, right from the start. Supposing that there ever was something _normal_ in my life. 'Cause yeah, that odd beginning of friendship in Purgatory with a dead vampire that wants to ride my body to escape and do whatever he plans to do, this is the most normal and healthy relationship I've ever lived. My life is so fucked up.

The thing about Cas... there was so much at stake between us, with the Apocalypse, Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, it was hard to see him as anything else than a threat, then an extremely powerful ally. I've asked him more and more every time, and every time he sacrificed everything for me. And for once, it's my turn to help him. 'Cause he became much more than an ally a long time ago: he's now part of my life, of my family.

"Is there anyone waiting for you outside?"

Benny's voice tears me off my thoughts. I remove my feet from the stream and I slip on my socks, then my shoes.

"My little brother, Sam. A giant nerd with long hair, pig-headed, shitty tastes in music and women, and who loves chick-flick moments."

I can't stop the surge of affection in my voice.

"Good. It's always good to have someone waiting for you."

"What about you?"

Benny shakes slowly his head with a wicked smile.

"No. They're not expecting me, and they won't see me coming."

I raise my eyebrows and wait for him to explain, but Benny don't say anything more. He stands up and spits on the ground. I shrug and follow him, feeling refreshed.

The next day goes by slowly, disrupted by monsters assaults. Their blood splatters my face again. I slay them off as fast as I can, I don't want to lose a damn minute. 'Cause each step brings me closer to Cas.

And it's the following day at last, early in the afternoon, that we spot Cas' on our shore. He's crouching down facing the river and I can't see his face, but I'd recognize that trench-coat – even sullied – and that silhouette anywhere. I walk faster and shout his name for fear of seeing him disappear on me like he's used to.

By the time I get to him, He stood up and turned around to face me. And yeah, he may have a _beard_ and be at least as dirty as me if not even dirtier, it's him, alive and well. Relief overwhelms me and I can't help laughing while I walk straight to him to pull him into a tight hug. I don't give a fuck about everything I said about personal space, I'm too happy and relieved. 'Cause even if I claimed every day to Benny that Cas was alive and tried to convince myself of it, the truth is I feared he was dead too, just like anyone close to me and stupid enough to want to help me. The hug's brief, but long enough to fill my nostrils with the strong and musky smell of sweat and dirt.

A reeking angel. The sole idea makes me smile even more as I step back to get a better look at him.

"Damn, it's good to see you," I say.

Cas has his usual poker face on. It's such a relief not to see him smile like a stoned junkie or act like a kid afraid to be scolded. This is my good old Cas standing in front of me, but stinking and bearded. It's weird to see him so messy. He could easily pass as a tramp, right now.

"Nice peach fuzz," I add as I briefly touch it.

"Thank you."

His voice's as gravelly as usual, and damn, after almost a year searching for him anxiously, it's so good hearing it again.

I know I've got the goofiest smile ever splattered on my face, but I can't help it.

I almost forgot Benny. I should do the introductions.

"You should meet somebody. This is Benny. Benny, this is Cas."

My vampire buddy doesn't seem very enthusiastic and he reluctantly greets Cas. I have to restrain myself to say « I told you so » triumphantly. Cas never left Purgatory. He never left me. I knew it. And he's gotta have a very good explanation for his presence here.

"How did you find me?"

Something is off. Cas looks panicked like a trapped animal, unstable. Maybe he's still insane ? Did he even hear all my prayers ? Why doesn't he explain why he disappeared ?

Worry's starting to freeze my stomach and I try to ignore it.

"The bloody way," I dodge. "You feeling okay?"

"You mean: am I still...?"

He points to his head and makes a circle with his finger. This isn't what I was asking but well yeah, I'd like him to answer that too. I can feel Benny's heavy stare on me.

"Yeah, if you want to be on the nose about it, sure."

Come on, Cas, prove me right. I know you didn't left me on purpose. Benny's wrong, just tell him.

"No. I'm perfectly sane. But, then, 94% of psychotics think they're perfectly sane, so I guess we'd have to ask ourselves, _what is sane?"_

"That's a good question," I say lamely.

He's beating around the bush with all this gibberish. Exactly like he did when he used to deflect with his bees, his honey, his cat's penis, his board games and his sandwiches. Like a kid trying to avoid a spanking. He doesn't come near the burning issue, and I don't even dare to mention it anymore. Something's telling me I won't like the answer, and I'd like to hang on my happiness just for a little longer. He's alive and safe, that's all that matters. Cas does have a good reason and he'll tell me once we're out of here. I trust him, he's never let me down before and I'm sure as hell he didn't start now.

But of course I didn't take Benny into account.

"Why'd you bail on Dean?"

"Dude," I try to shut him up.

But my vampire buddy won't let go of it. What a pain in the ass.

"The way I hear it, you two hit monster land, and hot wings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory."

Shut the fuck up! Cas doesn't have anything to prove. Not to Benny, at least. This is between Cas and me.

"Look, we were surrounded, okay? Some freak jumped Cas. Obviously, he kicked its ass, right?"

I'm staring at Cas, waiting for him to confirm, to make the nasty feeling in my gut go away. The exact same feeling I had when I walked on Sam drinking demon blood. Or when I learned Cas was working with Crowley.

"No."

Cas is looking away and I feel like I just swallowed a stone.

Fuck.

No, That's not possible. That can't be true.

" _What_?"

Tell me there's another explanation. That Benny wasn't right since the beginning and that I denied reality.

"I ran away."

"You _ran away?"_ I repeat, dumbfounded.

Fucking hell, Cas. You son of a bitch.

"I had to."

I feel like a big ice bucket's been thrown at me. Ice cold sweat is dripping along my back and anger's slowly bunring into my veins. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to even _consider_ it, but now the words are coming out of Cas' mouth, not Benny's.

And what the hell does that mean, « I had to »? I deserve my fucking explanation!

"That's your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla-wolves?"

I have no idea what were those things he left me with, but I never ran away faster in my whole life. Good thing those monsters may be strong and fast, but they're also dumb as fuck.

"Dean..."

If I didn't know first hand that punching an angel will just break my bones, I'd punch him so hard in the face.

"You bailed out – and what? Went camping?"

I know he's not been the same since he took the evil from Sam, I know he avoids conflict and won't fight. But for fuck's sake we were both alone in this shit hole, we should have stick together, crazy or not! You don't leave a friend, a _brother_ , in danger! Didn't he care if I was ripped in shreds with nothing more than a knife to protect myself? I end up in here 'cause I did what I had to in order to fix what _he_ fucked up! _H_ _e_ opened Purgatory! He should've stayed with me so we'd protect each other!

"I prayed to you, Cas, every night!"

"I know."

His eyes are lowered now and he looks sad and guilty. If Benny wasn't there, I'd go mad and shake him or at least force him to look me in the eye.

I knew it. I _knew_ he heard me pray, all this time! Fuck, I begged him, in my prayers, I told him how worried sick I was for him, and even more! And he calmly listened and sat there doing nothing but watch the water flow like a pacifist hippie douchebag?!

"You _know_ , and you didn't... ?!"

I stop, at a loss for words. Cas is staring stubbornly at the ground, shoulders slumped.

No, there's something very wrong.

He looks worn out, his eyes hollowed and tired, and most of all, his clothes are as dirty and bloody that mine, maybe even more so. If he really took off to avoid the fight, he wouldn't be in that poor condition.

I don't know what to think anymore. Why is everything always so complicated when it comes to Cas?

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

"I am an angel in a land of abominations. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived."

He's looking at me in the eye at last, but his accusing tone only makes me angrier. If he heard my prayers, he _knows_ I had monsters hunting my ass as well!

"Join the club!" I burst out.

His eyes harden.

"These are not just monsters, Dean, they're _Leviathans_ _!_ I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to..."

He looks away briefly and continues:

"… to keep them away from you."

Oh God, Cas...

All my anger fades away in an instant and I feel my heart painfully contract. All this time, Cas was fighting Leviathans on his own? To protect me?

That explain why I never saw one. Cas let me deal with the small fry. He knew that as a hunter, I'd be alright and survive.

"That's why I ran," he says again in a low voice.

I don't know what to say.

Once more, Cas did something incredibly stupid and suicidal without telling me first, and took the risk of being hated and killed off just to save me.

Damn it, Cas... I don't deserve that kind of devotion... _No one_ deserves it.

He stays silent for a few seconds and looks at us both before looking away toward the stream.

"Just leave me, please."

His eyes keep looking everywhere in wait, like if he feared a horde of Leviathans would burst out at any time. Which I guess is very likely.

"Sounds like a plan," Benny snarls. "Let's roll."

"Hold on, hold on," I say urgently.

There is no way I'm gonna leave Cas alone fighting Leviathans in Purgatory. I won't let him sacrifice himself for me anymore.

"Cas... we're getting out of here. We're going home."

I'm gonna get him out of here. I behaved like a dick with him, using him as a weapon without stopping to wonder what he was feeling and going through. The guy rebelled for me, for fuck's sake. When we go back to Earth, I'll make it up for him. There's no more Apocalypse threat going on, no more Raphael, no more Michael or Lucifer. I'll show him that life doesn't suck all the time, sometimes there are rewards and good things. He saved human kind, he saved my family. I'll make him taste the best pies in the United States and watch Dr Sexy MD. He's suffered enough, and got nothing in return. It's over now. I'll get him out of here.

"Dean, I can't."

"You can. Benny, tell him."

"Purgatory has an escape hatch, but I got no idea if it's angel-friendly."

He's being a bitch about it. I glare at him, annoyed:

"We'll figure it out."

I look back at Cas, and I'm on the verge of begging him like I did in my prayers. I'd never forgive myself if he stays locked up in here.

"Cas, buddy, I need you."

Sadness fills his eyes as he stares at me.

"Dean..." he whispers.

I don't let him finish. He has to understand I won't let him go. Never again.

"And if Leviathans want to take a shot at us, let 'em! We ganked those bitches once before. We can do it again."

We've been together through Hell, Heaven, Apocalypse and now Purgatory. I won't let a bunch of shitty Leviathans stand between us. Cas shakes his head, looking defeated.

"It's too dangerous."

Okay. Now he's starting to annoy me.

"Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you. Understand?"

He slowly looks back to me, looking dead serious.

"I understand."

We stare at each other for a while and I feel a smile curve up my lips. The streaming of water is the only sound in the silence while I keep staring at my stupid self-sacrificing fallen angel.

This time, when we go back to Earth, I'll ask him to stay, to not return to Heaven. What I didn't dare to ask after the Apocalypse. But now, I know what I want. I want to go hunting with my lil' bro and Cas, I want us three to take the road in the Impala with good music playing full blast, I want to make the angel smile for real, to make him see a whole bunch of movies so he'll finally get my jokes, and...

Benny clears his throat and the sound pulls me off my thoughts. I look at him, he's spinning his weapon, looking impatient.

"It's all well and good but we're weeks away from the portal, and now we've Leviathans hunting us plus the usual monsters. Well done. Dean, pick up your angel and let's get the hell out of here."

I nod and put my hand on Cas' shoulder, making him walk in front of me – after losing him for so long, I'd rather have him not leave my sight for one second. His trench-coat's filthy with blood and dirt and it sticks to my fingers when I take my hand off.

"Come on, Cas, let's go."

We leave the shore behind and walk deep in the woods, following Benny who seems to know exactly where he's heading. If he's been around for fifty years like he said, I assume he knows perfectly the place.

"I'd like to be sure, Dean: if your angel's too fat to pass the portal, you and me we're leaving this shit hole anyway, right?"

And here we go again.

"I thought I've made myself very clear, Benny. Cas and I we're a 2-in-1 package, on special offer, take it or leave it. If the angel doesn't pass, the human won't either, that's the way it is. I'd rather stay here forever than leave without him. Capiche?"

Benny groans unhappily. I notice that Cas' shoulders just tensed. And that his hair's dirty, but well, mine's too.

"This is stupid, Dean," Cas says with a raspy voice. "You have the possibility to go back to Earth, you don't have to..."

"The matter is closed, Cas."

He turns slightly his head to throw me an inexpressive glare.

Benny's drawling voice raises again, filled with frustration:

"Of all the Humans that could end up in Purgatory, it had to be the most stubborn one ever. You're crossed with a mule, or what?"

"Dean's genes are perfectly human."

I roll my eyes. I feel like the next weeks are going to be a pain in the ass.

The following days confirm my fears. Even if the Leviathans didn't pay us a visit yet, all kinds of monsters try twice as hard to attack us all the time, slowing down our pace. But this isn't what bothers me the most, 'cause now that we have nothing less than an angel of the Lord in our sleeve, even whole nests can't compete. I've to admit, Cas is _badass_ , and he wipes off the nastiest bitches – yeah, even freaking dragons – with only a touch, without even blinking. Piece of cake.

No, what's getting on my nerves, it's the same conversations that we repeat over and over every day. Benny nagging about Cas being with us, Cas who wants nothing more than sacrifice himself, and damn they're constantly confronting each other in a ridiculous pissing contest. Seriously, I'm tired of having to calm things down between them. Can't wait till we find that fucking portal, return to Earth and take a shower while Sammy buys us some pie. And while Benny bleeds some innocents to death. 'Cause yeah, I still don't believe him, and that's something we argue daily about too.

The sixth day, werewolves – a whole pack of them – attack us in their beast form. Only ten of them, but they're fast and ferocious. I behead one easily, then a second just when it was going to bite off my leg. Benny's handling two more, weapon in hand and a smirk at the corner of his lips. As for Cas, he's methodically wiping off the rest of the pack, without batting an eye when they attack him. He could as well be brushing away flies.

I'm wiping the sweat off my brow when something crash into my back with the brutal strength of a train that tackles me to the ground. I fall and my head hits violently a rock. The sounds grow heavy like if I was under water and a shrilling whistle fills my ears. A massive weight pins me on the ground, my cheek held down in the dust. Cursing breathlessly, I turn my eye to see a werewolf – a bit blurry – opening his wide mouth full of fangs. His warm and slimy drool leaks on my cheek and I scrunch my nose when the nasty stench assault my nostrils.

Oh fuck me. And here I thought I already smelled the worse by now...

The giant and wide open mouth's coming closer to rip off my neck, but suddenly a bright light makes me squint my eye. I see Cas' silhouette towering the monster, his hand plastered on its furry head and glaring coldly at it as the light resorbs. The werewolf falls back heavily on me, his mouth gaping and charred right on my face.

"Urg... Get it off me... I slur with difficulty as I struggle under the heavy weight."

The whistle's still piercing my ears but less strong now, just a background noise, even if the sounds are still muffled and distorted. Cas grips the monster by the fur and throw it away like if it didn't weight more than a feather. Yeah. _Badass_.

I stand up, unsteady on my feet. I lean against the nearest tree, still gripping on my weapon.

Shit. I shouldn't have stand up. I feel nauseous and I almost fall, disoriented.

"You okay, Dean?"

Benny's voice. His blurred face comes briefly in front of me, and I squint my eyes. The world's spinning around me and a searing pain bores into my skull.

It's Cas' bearded face's turn to appear now, he's saying something but I can't hear anymore. I feel myself being gently but firmly pushed against the trunk. A hand slip into my hair and I grimace in pain when the warm fingers touch directly the wound on my skull. Blood is oozing from it and leaking down to my neck. Cas' blue eyes are staring at me intensely as the pain resorbs in a second. I blink and the world's stopped spinning around, and sounds are clear again. But Cas stays very still, his hand in my hair and gazes and searches into my eyes as if I knew the answer to all the secrets of the universe. His pupils are blown out to the point I can only see a faint circle of blue surrounding them.

"Dean..."

Cas' breath's brushing against my lips when his gravelly voice breaks the silence. I didn't notice until then how close we are. His nose is almost touching mine and my hand is in his shoulder – when did I put it there? I quickly withdraw it and try to move back, but I can't – I'm already pressed against the tree, and his pelvis is pushed against mine. Whoa. Uh.

"Cas..."

I turn slightly my head to avoid speaking right against his closed lips. And Benny's watching us with an eyebrow raised. Fuck.

"Er... personal space?"

"Oh," he whispers and frowns.

Cas narrows his eyes as if it was a very complex notion – oh come on, I explained it to him a long time ago – and steps back just enough so our hips aren't touching anymore and he takes his bloody hand off my hair. But he's still too close to my liking so I keep my head turned on the side and I'm horrified to feel my cheeks burning. I see him raising his arm to my face and wipe off my cheek with the sleeve of his dirty trench-coat.

"You had werewolf's saliva on your face," Cas deadpans when he finally steps back.

"Don't mind me, just forget I'm here," Benny smirks with irony.

Cas never stops staring at me for one second, and he says in a rough voice:

"Dean hasn't rested for three days. I repaired the physical damage, but he needs natural recovery. Sit down, Dean."

"At least we agree on this," Benny shrugs. "Sit, Dean."

Oh for fuck's sake, they're not gonna team up against me, are they? I roll my eyes and try to step away from the tree to set off again, when the vampire's big hand crashes down on my shoulder and forces me to sit. My weakened legs give up, and my butt hits the ground. I look up angrily.

"I said I'm fine. We need to move on."

"Listen to your angel, for once he's less dumb than you are. He knows you need rest, and that his presence slows us down and put us in danger."

And here we go again.

"I'm not leaving without Cas," I say tiredly.

I've been doing nothing but repeating this over and over since I've met Benny.

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that."

Benny spits something bloody with fur on the ground, and steps aways to sit down on a rock and clean the blood off his blade.

I look back to Cas. He's stiff as a statue and he turns slowly his head to scrutinize around us, his fists clenched.

"I think we should be safe for a while," he murmurs in a raspy voice.

Then he crouches down to pick up my weapon from the ground. I don't even remember when I dropped it. He uses his torn trench-coat to wipe carefully my blade. He's still wearing his hospital's clothes and even the bracelet. They're so dirty now you wouldn't believe they once were white. But mostly, it's the beard that changes him. For a brief second, I think about the Cas from 2014, with his empty eyes and his empty smile.

"Thanks, Cas."

Cas looks up from my weapon. His eyes are calm but burning with emotions. A hint of a smile brightens his face for a brief moment, and disappears when he looks down again. A soft expression remains, although sad.

"You're welcome, Dean."

Cas healed me. I'm sure I'd have one hell of a concussion now, if it wasn't for him. As I look down to his naked collarbone revealed by his dirty clothes hanging loose, I can't help asking.

"Hey, Cas... Why didn't you autowash with your mojo, like you always do?"

Cas raises his eyebrows and looks up, his head slightly tilted.

"Given the present circumstances and the constant danger, my outside appearance and the maintenance of my vessel don't matter. It'd be a waste of energy."

"Yeah, it makes sense..."

"Then again, I remember a time not so far ago, when your kind didn't wash their bodies and that was considered perfectly normal. It's fascinating to see how much your standards for what you call normality evolve with time and geographic location."

I can't help smiling when Cas hands me my clean weapon. It's strange. I know very well that Cas – _Castiel_ – is an extremely powerful and ancient being that should probably inspire me fear or respect, but I can't help but think he's endearing. I take the weapon and put it on my knees.

Cas stays crouched in front of me and keeps staring at me without blinking, his forearms on his knees. I _physically_ feel his eyes on me. It reminds me of all the times I woke up under that stare until I forbid him to do that. Creepy. I look away and swallow hard. I never quite understood what Cas saw in me, but obviously, it fascinates him. Enough to turn his back on Heaven and do all kinds of crap for me. Not so long ago, I thought he did it all to save humanity or whatever, but now... Nothing forced him to sacrifice himself and fight all the Leviathans on his own to keep them away from me. Humanity's fate isn't at stake here. He did it for me. He left all my prayers unanswered, for my own good.

Why me? Now that the Apocalypse is over, I'm just a regular guy. A rough hunter like many others, quite fond of a drink, unable to keep alive the people I love or be in a relationship for more than a year. I don't deserve anyone to sacrifice for me, god damn it.

And it hurts me to realize he thought I'd give up on him if he left my prayers unanswered.

"Cas..."

My voice is raspy and full of emotion, I clear my throat and moisten my lips. Unlike Sam, I'm not good to express all this sentiment crap. I don't even know what I meant to say, but I end up silent, staring at Cas. I notice Benny's moved a few more meters away. He's turned his back and is whistling, weapon on his shoulder, on the watch. Deep inside, I'm grateful for my vamp' buddy to give us a semblance of privacy – even if I know that he can hear every breath we take.

"Dean?"

I look back at Cas who seems a bit worried, and my eyes drop on his lips as I remember way too clearly the fiery kiss he shared with Meg. Then the heat of his pelvis against mine.

Shit. Dangerous ground.

"What do you intend to do once we're outside?" I end up saying to break the awkward silence. "We have no more Apocalypse to stop, and Leviathans are out of the game. You're _free_ , Cas... Any plan?"

Cas immediately looks down and bite his lips, face neutral.

"Nothing can guarantee I'll pass the portal, Dean..." he whispers softly.

It's like he's _expecting_ failure. Hell no, I won't let him think like this. I pull my weapon away from my knees and I come closer, a knee on the ground to level with him. I firmly slide my hand on his clammy neck and lower my head to make him look into my eyes. He blinks twice and finally looks at me hesitantly. There is something fragile and guilty in his eyes, and I don't like seeing him like that.

"Hey, Cas. I'm not gonna let you down this time. You hear me? We'll find a way out. We always do. You trust me or not?"

His eyes become even sadder as he stares at me and puts his hand on my knee.

"Dean..."

His voice is so low it shots a shiver right down my spine. I grip the back of his neck harder, my nails digging in the skin below his hair.

"And if we don't, then we'll clean off the Purgatory from each and every bitches until there's no one left but us."

"Dean..."

He looks down to my mouth for one second, and I see the tip of his tongue moisturizing his lips. I forget how to breathe, and next thing I know, my eyes are closed and I crash my lips on Cas', brutally, desperately.

What the _hell_ am I doing?

Adrenalin rushes through me and blows that question far away. There's only pure sensations left, making me shiver. Musky and aggressive, his body odor fills my nostrils and his beard gently scratches my face.

I hear him give out a strangled sound of surprise as his neck stiffens under my fingers, but he doesn't push me away. All apprehension leaves me and my brain just gives up. Drunk with the sensation of his half open lips against mine, I'm unable to think, like I'm running in automatic mode. The only coherent thought my brain's still able to articulate is _Cas_ , as I slip my tongue on his tender but chapped lower lip, let go of his neck so I grab his chin and try to deepen the kiss.

Finally, he relaxes and inclines his head, his soft and wet tongue touching mine with no trace of hesitation. He even takes control, his hands framing my face possessively. His beard's scratching my lips and my chin, but I don't give a fuck. I barely hold back a moan when his tongue invades my mouth and caresses mine with passion, and then he sucks on my lower lip like a fucking expert. He changes the angle by inclining his head the other side in a fluid movement, deepening even more the kiss with wet noises.

Damn, Cas kisses like a god.

Growing bolder, I put my other knee on the ground to move closer to him. I slip my left hand under his trench-coat and his dirty shirt, touching directly the sticky and warm skin of his lower back. He lets me bring him closer and he parts his legs on either side of my own, so our hips fit firmly together.

And there's no way to ignore it, Cas has a boner. _Cas has a boner_ – because of me. Just thinking about it sets fire to my groin. I'm making out with a fucking angel of the Lord, and not just any angel. _Cas_. And I feel his hard-on pressing against my belly. Oh fuck, my brain's gonna explode.

My head is thrown back 'cause he's towering me, sitting on my lap and his hands slipping in my hair. My right hand grips his shoulder like an anchor to reality. I breathe heavily with my nose while Cas is nibbling on my lower lip and sucking on it with an obscene wet noise. Oh _s_ _hit_. My heart missed a beat, I think I'm about to have a heart attack.

His powerful legs are caging my hips and he kisses me with enthusiasm – or even greed – without pulling away from me for one second, changing the angle quite often and breathing through his nose. His tongue caress my lips, my teeth, wraps itself around my tongue on and on. He breaks the kiss just for a moment and I crack open an eye. Cas is staring at me with misty eyes and he's breathing shallowly. His lips are wet and a stream of saliva's still connecting them to mine. I swallow hard.

"Cas..."

He shuts me up by kissing me again open-mouthed, with so much passion it hurts. Stunned, I groan to protest. Woah, _calm down_! I don't know how long it's been since we've been kissing, but my jaw's starting to hurt and the scratching of his beard is burning and irritating my lips. I pull off sharply, breathing hastily and my heart pounding inside my chest.

Who knew Cas had _that_ in him?

"Dean."

I raise my head at Cas' gravelly voice. His eyes are narrowed – full of frustration – and it's obvious he's unhappy with how I stopped. Still sticky with blood, his hand grabs brusquely the back of my neck and he tries to kiss me again. But I turn my head, I put my lips just between his neck and his shoulder, and gently nibble at his dirty skin. His acrid and musky body odor invades my senses and not even the salty and bitter taste of old sweat on my tongue can put me off. The trench-coat's collar's stiff from dried blood and brushes against my cheek. Cas chokes back what sounds like my name, and flexibly moves his hips, adding pressure against my hard cock strained in my jeans. Oh fuck, _Cas_.

His body heat surrounds me and rises more and more as I feel my face burning up.

I bite his skin a little harder and then draw up a wet line with my tongue until my lips wrap around his ear lobe. He does this thing again with his hips and I urge him to continue by pressing my hand firmer on his clammy back. I move with him and he's becoming more insistent. An angel of the Lord's rubbing against me like a hooker, holy shit, I can't believe it. Just thinking about it, I smirk and I let go of his ear lobe to kiss him again, but softly this time, to calm him down. Cas learns fast – he's kissing me slower now, with a tenderness that looks like devotion, and I shiver.

I'm just an ordinary human, I don't have anything special. And I've fucked things up pretty bad in my past, even without including all those years torturing in Hell for Alastair's greatest pleasure. I don't deserve Cas' devotion and I'll never be able to give back everything he's done for me. But this, at least that's something I can give him. _This_ , I'm good at. And if I knew it'd be so _good_ , I'd have done it sooner.

I slide my hand down his chest and his dirty shirt until I touch the elastic of his hospital pants and I brush against the hard and heavy line straining the fabric. Surprised, Cas breaks the kiss and breathes in sharply. We look into each other eyes.

"D-Dean..."

He looks terrified – just like he was in the « den of iniquity ». I smile and kiss briefly his red and moistened lips. A drop of sweat slide down my temple and drips between us.

"You'll like it, I promise, Cas..."

His eyes harden and he nods determinedly just like I gave him a highly important mission. He takes his hands away from my face to let me work and looks down, eyebrows raised with curiosity. I pull his elastic and reach for his hard cock, wrapping my fingers around it. The skin's hot against my fingers, and sticky, too. It feels weird and I stare at the engorged shaft in my hand – the shape is a bit different from mine, thicker at the top, and there's bushy dark hair on his groin. Yeah, that feels weird. I guess that's 'cause it's the first time I ever touch another dick but mine, thing I never planned to do. I lower my hand to pull down the foreskin and reveal the flushed head of his dick. A drop of precum's already starting to pearl on top. The smell isn't pleasant, that's the least I can say. But that's what happens when you wear the same clothes and can't take a shower for a year. That's not gonna put me off. I don't exactly smell like a rose myself.

Cas tenses up when I start to spread the precum with my thumb, caressing slowly the sensitive head. I smile, amused, as he closes his eyes and chokes back a moan through his clenched teeth. He grips my shoulder with a shaking hand and breathes hard. I know what I like to be done to me, I just have to do the same. Easy. I take his cock firmly in my hand and jerk him gently. His grip tightens on my shoulder and that'd be painful if I wasn't totally fascinated by the look of total ecstasy liting up Cas' face. I move closer to pepper feverish kisses on his neck as I move my hand faster.

"Wait, Dean..."

I pull off a bit to look him in the eye – his pupils are so blown up I can't even see the blue anymore. He smirks with a predator look – _oh my fucking god_ –, slowly raises his left hand between us, and with a fluid motion, my belt's unbuckling on its own, my jeans are unbuttoned and my fly's down.

Okay, now he's just showing off.

Cas leans over me to take my lips with passion and plunge his hand in my pants and underwear to grab my cock and pull it free. Woah, _woah_. For a virgin angel, he sure knows how to take the initiative. Or he's a fast learner. Or he watched way too much porn.

He wastes no time and brings our erections together in his warm firm hand still sticky with my blood. I forget how to breathe in the kiss for a few seconds when his thumb caresses the heads. Oh shit, he learns fast – and he's _good_. His wrist's moves are flexible and steady – methodical – and I can't help groaning when he quickens his pace and nibbles at my lower lip. The burning tension in my belly increases. I'm gonna come like a teenager if it goes on like that. But now.. Now I'm so close... Pleasure is so intense, I can feel his cock pulsing against mine, and – oh _fuck_...

His eyes are staring down at his handwork and I can see his eyelashes shivering. Even if his cheeks are red, he's frowning with intense focus just like if he was ganking a demon. And just when he tilts his head to suck at the skin under my ear, everything turns white and orgasm crashes on me – violently, jerkily. I hear myself moan loudly, but I don't give a fuck. It's too fucking _good_.

I stumble back into reality, staring at Cas' lustful and fascinated eyes, at his parted mouth and his ragged breath. I realize then my hand and our dicks are dripping with my semen, and Cas stopped moving event though he didn't reach climax yet.

To lose control before a thousands – billions? – years old virgin is a blow to my ego. But I put that thought away, determined to make Cas experiment what I just tasted – what he never felt before. I chase his hand away to take over as my own is softening on my belly. I use the warm sperm as lube to wank him in a fluid motion, faster and faster and never stop looking at Cas. He opens his eyes wide and stares at me without blinking, breath uneven and body stiffening. A flash of shear panic goes through his eyes.

"Dean, I..."

"Shhh..."

And suddenly, he grows stiff and his eyelids drop, his head thrown back in a silent scream as warm seed spurt on my hand and my sleeve. He almost breaks my shoulder in his death grip.

Cas' body goes slack against me and he lowers his head. He blinks and stares at me in amazement, his hair disheveled and cheeks red. Looking totally debauched.

"That was..."

"Awesome, I know."

"… very pleasant," he corrects with a gravelly and once again measured voice.

I flash a smug grin at him.

"Is it over yet?" a drawling voice interrupts us a few meters from here.

Holy shit. Benny. I completely forgot him.


End file.
